We'll Always Have Paris

It’s no secret that we Americans get a jolt of excitement out of making celebrity nonissues into topics of national importance. And it’s also pretty apparent that the more beautiful and wealthy the pop culture icons are, the more scandalous we try to make their lives seem.

Non-Americans who appear to endorse a more solemn lifestyle have been known to disapprove of the inane and juvenile outlook on life which is characteristic to the average American. And though we may take offense, we find it hard to maintain a strong argument.

An urgent headline reading, “Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie no longer friends” appeared on CNN.com, a few weeks ago. As foolish as this may sound, other sites such as Yahoo! Top Stories, ABC.com, and MSNBC.com also managed to feature a similar piece.

Another story featuring Paris Hilton tells of her trip to a newsstand where she happened to bump into copies of her pornographic tape. She shoplifted the tapes and justified her actions by yelling out something like, “Don’t you know my young fans stop by here all the time?”

Which brings me to another dazzling question. Who exactly are her fans? And, more importantly, why are they her fans? Paris is not exactly an actress, though she appears to believe it. She’s not a singer (yet). She probably is not a praiseworthy dancer, either. She doesn’t “entertain” us in the orthodox meaning of the word. Yet, that is exactly what she does. She’s a tall, slender, blonde heiress. Her name is even something alluring and romantic. Can anyone be so perfect? It seems that this is a well-thought-out ploy on her parents’ part to create the definitive human being to end the struggle of perfection. Paris Hilton is the embodiment of the American Dream. The ominous end is in sight.